Patterns
Unconscious patterns are and are like hypnotic states when you are in them you do not realize you are in them and when you come out of them you wonder what happened. These patterns are set off by triggers and these triggers push buttons or unconscious reactions to some circumstance; whether it is a word, a smell, a sound, an action or a deed. Once the trigger is activated we go into a hypnotic-like state and use old behavior patterns to respond to the event.
When we realize we have things that bother us (we do not necessarily recognize them as patterns) we protect ourselves from them. This is often called guarding. Having your guard up only prevents you from being triggered into the states you do not like and numbs you to states you do like. Then when we leave our guard down we believe people hurt us. The truth is the guard only protects our buttons from being pushed it does not protect us. Because our buttons are protected and they are not pushed we feel that we were protected because we do not experience any discomfort. Yet at the same time, we do not experience any joy either. So as a coping skill we continue to keep our guard up. The truth is that it is when our buttons are pushed that we experience pain and discomfort. Without the buttons, we would feel no pain or discomfort. The only way to stop others from hurting you (which they really can’t do) is to eliminate your buttons. The only way to feel alive is to not be guarded.
When we are triggered we then go into the pattern. We then do combat with ourselves and our issues that created the pattern. Then as we come out of the pattern we are often angry about having to have gone there, having to feel the discomfort or even that we have the pattern. As we come out of it we also look to see who or what sent us there, identify them or it as the culprit and then attack or blame what or who we believe to be the cause of sending us there (we usually believe they are the “cause”).
We forget that if we did not have the pattern no one could send us there. We do not look at ourselves to see that it is us who sends us there or even that we created “there”. It is easier to put the responsibility on someone else. Part of another pattern is to avoid the fact the pattern is our doing.
When working with a partner or friend it is helpful to tell them that this thing is your issue but they could help if they said what it is they need to say in another way, then give them the exact words to use. This will help prevent you from going into the pattern so you can work at resolving it. Remember asking for their help is only to buy time until you resolve the problem it is not the solution nor is it their responsibility.
Find more on this topic in the Ebook, Thoughts, Beliefs, Knowings and Attitudes